battlelined | teleios rp for Sarah; backdated

teleios rp for Sarah; backdated

Jeremy sits on the bed in the room that Sarah and Jeremy have shared for weeks, months now. They've shared a room or a living space for over a year, and being in it now and knowing what he is going to say, it tears him apart to think of it. His stomach twists terribly. It's not normal nausea. It's something that burns as it twists, and it's not from the alcohol, which he couldn't drink enough of to get Vicki's words out of his head about what happened in another universe. At the start of his stay in Chicago, he'd just recovered from one death (the longest one of just a an hour tops maybe), and he wondered if he wasn't supposed to die then and there. Finding out he dies again for a long, long time. Finding out his sister dies and becomes a vampire and loses her humanity because he dies-- He doesn't know how to process that. How the fuck does anyone process that?

And he doesn't know how to do this. He doesn't know how he is going to say that he's moving out even if he was planning on doing it before Vicki told him anything, because he can sense she needs it.

The moment he reached out for Sarah and she pulled away (something that has never happened before, he's never made her feel that way before), he knew. He knew he'd destroyed something so-- so beautiful, and it's that moment that stays with him and how he can sense her need still for space. Jeremy knew. He knows her so utterly and completely well. Better than he's ever known anyone before, better than he knows himself, and he can tell she needs space, space from him, space from his betrayal, space from all of it. Maybe finding out what he did about the world that he left behind so many years ago, it's what reminded him... what he is. And he loves her too much to-- He loves her too much to not help make sure she gets what she needs especially after everything that he's done.

It doesn't mean it's easy though. He doesn't really know how he's going to get the words out when it feels like his stomach is on fire, and there's panic in his chest, and he doesn't understand anything anymore, but he's sitting and waiting for her.

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Sarah knows him as well as he knows her.

It's why she just gets it, almost immediately. She may not fully realize what Jeremy is about to do, but she can sense that there is a shift, and he is going to tell her something that will rest heavily in between them. The moment she steps into the room and sees him sitting there, Sarah just knows. It is such a strange feeling, the distance in between them. She never would've thought it possible, before Teleios.

She never would've thought a lot of things possible, before Teleios.

The anger has mostly dissipated. The worry has not, and maybe it never will. She said she'd stand by Jeremy as he figures everything out, and she meant that. But she also knows something has shifted between them, and there's only so much they can avoid having a conversation about it.

"Hey," she says softly, tentatively. Her eyes are already burning, and she can't, for the life of her, figure out why.

Jeremy can't really look up at least not at first.

Something ruptures inside of his chest when she speaks, and his eyes burn as he swallows thickly. And he doesn't want this. He doesn't want to be the person that he is. He doesn't want to have made a mistake that has done all of this, everything that it's done. He doesn't want the knowledge in his head that he can't get out of it. He doesn't want these urges inside of himself, which take over, but they're his. They come from inside of him, and he wants to tell her all of that too but he doesn't want to burden her with--

He slides his hand over his face as he swallows thickly through the burning in his stomach and the panic in his chest, and he doesn't know how except he looks up at her face. Jeremy meets her gaze, and he knows for her, he can be brave because he's hurt her so much and she deserves so much more.

"Hey," Jeremy says, and his voice sounds and feels like sandpaper, and he still doesn't know how to say the words only knows that he needs to say them. "I know... I mean, I've been able to feel that you need space from me after everything that happened, after what I did, after what it did to you and to us. I feel it when we're together. I felt it... that first night when you didn't-- didn't want me to touch you, and you shouldn't--"

She shouldn't have to not get her space because she wants to not leave him alone with this, and he knows she doesn't. He knows she meant what she said but it's not fair to her.

It wouldn't be a burden if he told her.

Sarah would want to know what's going on with him. Under any other circumstances, she might've even guessed without his having to tell her. But lately, she's been trying to make her own life-altering decisions and confronting her own mortality. Her body and her mind will start to fail her, and she knows a re-set is on the horizon. It's had her off balance, along with feeling off balance in her relationship with Jeremy. She's needed space for a lot of reasons, including figuring herself out and what she needs to do.

She loves Jeremy, and that has never changed - but she's also started to see that maybe she can't be what he needs right now.

"Do you really think that the tattoo is the only reason we're like this?"

He's right that she didn't want to be touched and she wanted to be alone. It was the same day he told her about the tattoo, and she wasn't ready to pick up where they left off. She doesn't think it's unreasonable, and she is glad that he understands.

Jeremy knows. He has sensed that too, because he knows her so well. He's sensed it, and he has wanted to help her, but he knows he put himself in a position where he could not help her like he would want to. Jeremy loves her, and he doesn't want her to be alone with everything she is going through. He just doesn't know what to do. It used to be clear to him, and he doesn't know how to help.

He doesn't know if he can help when she needs space from him, and he just desperately wants to give her what she needs.

"No," he says quietly as he folds his hands tightly together, and he swallows thickly, shaking his head as he presses his lips together. "I don't know. I don't understand anything anymore. I know you're going through a lot right now, and I want to help you, but I also know that... that I feel like you need space so I don't know if that's helping or not."

It wasn't unreasonable at all, and Jeremy never thought it was. He understood. He understands her, and he loves her more than anything. Putting himself in a position where he can't be there for her, where he is making it worse for her is something he--

It's the biggest part of it that he regrets. How much it has hurt her.

She grows quiet when he says he doesn't understand anything anymore.

It's not as though she understands much of it either, so trying to explain feels like it might just make things worse, or he'll think she's trying to put more blame on him when that's the last thing she wants to do. But she's been distant, and Jeremy has been angry, and almost resentful, from small things like Peter's closeness to Elena and Sarah to bigger things he has every right to feel upset about. It's just created ripples.

Sarah shakes her head, swallowing thickly. "You made your choice, and I just ... need to make mine."

And she hasn't yet, but that's what she's trying to figure out. She doesn't want to die, but that comes with a price. She doesn't mind if she goes back to being human again. She doesn't mind if she doesn't have powers. She wants to live her life, whatever that means.

It had just never occurred to her they may want different things.

There is plenty of blame to be put on him.

Jeremy has made terrible choices, and he is the reason why they're sitting here now because of everything. There's no going around that, and it's something he is going to live with for the rest of his life. He doesn't know how people get past destroying things. His eyes burn as he stares down at his hands, and he shakes his head, swallowing thickly.

He slides his hand over his face, fighting tears again, because he would take it back if he could but he can't. They don't want different things. They never did. He wanted everything they dreamed about, everything they wanted together. There's the cabin, and there's the future and all of their dreams.

The fight with the tears fails, and he slides a hand over his face to try to wipe them away.

"I hate that stupid choice." It's said finally in an aching voice. "I'm sorry for everything, Sarah." He's so goddamn sorry even if it doesn't change anything, even if it doesn't change... anything. He swallows thickly. "I know you need to make a choice, and I'm-- You're really smart to really think about it and do it slowly and think about what you need and what you want. I know you'll make the choice that's right for you."

She will. He has been so terrified of her dying, of her losing her mind, terrified of it because he loves her so much, but it's still her choice. It's her body. It's her life. It's who she is.

Edited 2015-03-15 19:58 (UTC)

Sarah is a lot of things, but she isn't impatient.

She can be careful, perhaps too careful. Before Jeremy, she would remain in inaction so she wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of doing anything at all. It was Jeremy who taught her to be braver. It was Jeremy who taught her she doesn't have to simply accept the statistics if she refuses to; that she can fight them. She can fight.

She doesn't forget that, not even now, with an ocean in between them. The sight of his tears bring forth her own, as she wasn't being good at keeping them at bay to begin with. Her face crumples, because he does sound so sorry and so aching that it tears at something inside of her. She wants to run to his arms and never let go. A part of her knows it can't be that easy this time.

"Don't be sorry. Jeremy." Her voice breaks when she says his name. "However you feel about that choice now, it was yours to make and no one else's; all you did was take it before someone else could take it from you again. It was always going to be yours. I'm not angry for that. You fought for your decision and I know I'll need to fight for mine. I just ... I never thought in a million years we'd end up here."

Never.

Jeremy looks up at her in time to see the tears in her eyes, and his chest rupture again with it painfully, powerfully. He slides a hand over his face to wipe the tears away again before he swallows thickly, nearly choking on the emotion lodged there in the middle of his throat.

He shakes his head, closing his eyes as the tears burn behind them, as his chest burns like something has set it on fire and he's burning. And he loves her, and this is not what he ever wanted.

"I can't help it. This is not what I wanted. I am always going to be sorry that I hurt you, that I did this to us, and I know it wasn't just that decision but-- but it was everything and how I've been angry and how I haven't--" Jeremy says, and he shakes his head because he hasn't been able to be there for her like he wants to because he knows she needs space right now, and he has been very angry at the universes. They had these dreams and these plans, and they made them together. The Rifts broke that universe apart. "You will. You'll fight, Sarah. No one fights harder than you, and you deserve so much more than those stupid statistics say. I always believed that. I always will."

He slides his hand over his face, and his expression crumples as he lowers his head. "I know. I never-- I never thought we would either." His eyes burn, and he slides his hand over his face. His hand which is shaking. "I love you so much, Sarah. And I want you to have what you need."

Sarah's face crumples further, her head bowing as more tears flow freely.

It's not as though she can deny that Teleios has brought sides out of them they may not have seen so clearly before. The world in which they had planned their future has ended, and they have been left grasping for proper footing ever since. Sarah thought as long as they had each other, they could get through absolutely anything. "I love you, too," she whispers brokenly. She does. That has never, ever changed. "I will always love you, Jeremy, but I don't know what that is anymore."

What she needs.

"And I don't ... think you know what you need, either."

If it was as simple as only needing each other, would he have gone to Thor for power? Would she be needing this space right now to figure out her own agent decision? At the end of the day, they're just two kids who have dealt with more than they should ever have to, trying to make sense of the ruin.

It's so hard for Jeremy to remain seated now too when her face crumples and she bows her head like that.

His hand slides over his face as he wipes the tears away from it, and his chest still feels like it's rupturing. His stomach still feels like it's on fire all twisted up. Jeremy forgot how to live. He didn't have dreams before her, and they all crashed. They all destroyed. His expression crumples when she says she loves him too, and he lowers his head further, can feel the tears falling, and he can't wipe them away fast enough. "I just... feel like you needed space so I was going to give that to you and move out, and--"

He doesn't know either. Jeremy wishes he did because he would give that to her.

"What I need isn't possible."

Jeremy shakes his head as he presses his hands against his face. What he needs is to turn back time and undo that decision, but apparently the tattoo is a part of him. It's in his blood. It's something he somehow got back in Mystic Falls without agents. His chest aches further as he shuts his eyes tightly.

Maybe there's no escaping it like some type of fate.

Sarah's eyes close, willing herself not to cry anymore.

She hates crying, but she finds fresh, new tears roll down her cheeks all the same.

"Yeah, I think maybe I do," she admits. She doesn't know how she gets the words out. She pushes them out of her throat like one would glass. She hates admitting she needs that space; that she can't simply fall back into the way they were and have everything be okay again, when it's what she wants more than anything. But right now, it may not be what she needs.

Because being here in this room with him, the two of them, it's felt like they're both suffocating. She wants so badly to help Jeremy, but she knows she can't do that until she fights for herself, first. Until she fights for her right to live and not die.

"You couldn't have known what would happen, Jeremy," she says, the words still thick and suffocated in her throat. He couldn't have known the tattoo would activate. He couldn't have known where it would lead. He just didn't want to be powerless anymore. If anyone understands that, it's Sarah.

Jeremy swallows thickly as he looks up at her, keeping her gaze as he sees those new tears roll down her cheeks. He moves to get to his feet as he walks over to her, reaching out to rest a hand against her arm except he doesn't know if--

It's just hard to see her crying and not react, not reach out. Every fiber of his being, it's screaming at him to reach out for her but he doesn't want to make it worse which is why his hand just hovers there as he looks at her, all concern and love.

"It's okay, Sarah. I love you, and it's okay," he says when she admits it. His voice is still a broken aching thing, but there's a genuineness to what he is saying, because all he wants right now is for her to have what she needs. And he can tell how much she's been struggling lately and he wants to help even if that means he has to go away to make that happen. He could already tell. It's something he has already known and felt that she needed, and he doesn't-- "It's really important to say it and to take what you need, Sarah. What you need is really, really important even if I know it's not easy to say it."

His eyes burn as he looks at her, and his head ducks again as he breathes sharply through that feeling tearing at his chest still. It's hard to breathe through it, and he shakes his head at what she says. It's true, and he knows it, but it doesn't change where it's lead to.

No, he couldn't have known. It's part of why he shouldn't have made a reckless decision when he was so upset and afraid, afraid of being powerless and being used again and losing choice again, afraid of losing even if he's managed to burn the bridges of the closest relationships he has here. They're all alive though which is far more important, and if he can keep ensuring that, keep protecting them from physical threats, it's something to focus.

"I'll move out, okay?"

It hurts and makes things that much more difficult that he understands.

Sarah never doubted he would. Jeremy understands her better than she understands herself sometimes, and because his choices have been taken away, he knows the importance of them - he has never, ever given her anything short of the freedom to make her own decisions, whatever they end up meaning. Her cheeks are scalding wet, and her heart feels heavier than it did only minutes ago. "It's not - " her voice cuts off, and then she grows very still. She really wishes she was better at words sometimes.

"It's not that I need you to go away. It's that I really - I really need to do this on my own."

Jeremy going to Thor for himself was sort of a wake-up call. He may not feel confident about his choices right now, but at least he made a choice. Sarah has been too guarded and fearful, to wracked by mistrust to do anything about her situation at all, despite being completely certain she is not ready to die.

This is her body and her life and that means it's on her. She knows he's felt the weight of it, wanted a favor for her first and foremost, until she made him promise not to. He's already lost so much, that she can't be something else he feels helpless to protect and save. She can't.

"Spring is gonna come soon and we'll - we'll need to move anyway."

They had different rooming accommodations in the beginning.

Jeremy knows her so, so well, and he can tell lately that she's been struggling and going through so much as it is. He knows he has only added to it with his reckless decisions and his betrayal and his anger, and all of those things that he hasn't been able to get a grip on. He believes in her, and he believes she will make the best decision for herself even if she doesn't do it as recklessly as he does. Sometimes he is like a wrecking ball. His hand still waits there near her arm before it finally falls down again as his chest clenches up tightly.

"I know, Sarah. I just-- I just want you to have what you need, okay? That's what's important to me. It's why I had to say it tonight even if I never want to be apart from you, even if I... was scared to admit it. I don't-- I want you to have what you need."

He wants that so much it hurts to think he could stay and create this suffocating environment when she needs to be able to breathe and to see and to think and to really feel about what she wants to do, what she needs to do. It's her body and her life, and it's her choice to make. He doesn't want his own fear to influence that at all. Not when he does intimately understand how important choices are.

She needs to choose what she wants for herself and not for anyone else, not for him despite all he's lost. This is about her. It should be about her.

"Yeah. Need to move the hell out of this Temple that's for sure."

A whole winter of being in here, he doesn't want to spend any more time here than he can help it. His eyes sting with tears as his jaw locks.

"Even if I move out from living with you, I'm still-- If you need anything, I'll be there. I mean, I'll look out for you."

It's just-- There's nothing else he can do. He loves her, and even if they're not together, he's going to want to do what he can. He's always going to love her.

Sarah doesn't know what she needs, which is why she shakes her head, incapable of speaking.

She doesn't know what she needs, but she's said that already, and she can't bring herself to say it again. The words simply don't leave her lips, and her throat feels too tight for it anyway. His hand is falling down when Sarah finally reaches for it, locking their fingers together. Her eyes sting with those tears as she looks at their hands, and how that has always made sense; her hand in his hand, their fingers twined tightly together. It still makes sense.

Her eyes are burning with big, fat tears as she looks up at him.

"Cora invited me to stay with her, so I'll - that's where I'll be. If you need me, too. Anything at all, I'm -"

She wants to be there for him, too. She feels the exact same he does. She wants to do what she can, even if they're not together, and that's - that's what it comes down to. Even before they were ever involved romantically, they were Sarah and Jeremy. That's the one sentiment that keeps ringing in her head, so she just blurts it out, the words rushing out of her like a waterfall. "I just miss my best friend, Jeremy. And I really want him back."

So if he ever finds him again, maybe he can let her know.

Jeremy swallows thickly as he looks at her when she shakes her head like that.

He knows she's already said she doesn't know, but he just-- He doesn't want to crowd her. He doesn't want to... He doesn't want to make it worse. His eyes burn more as he looks at her, and his chest clenches when she finally reaches for his hand too and their fingers lock together. His head ducks again, because it does still make sense. It will always make sense to reach for her. It's the alternative that doesn't, that he can't figure out.

"Good. She's... she's good people." His voice grows tight, but he means that, he would want her to move in with someone like that, someone who is her friend.

His eyes burn further as he looks at her, and his hand tightens around her hand with their fingers locked so tightly together. And he never wanted her to feel like he wasn't there, like Jeremy wasn't there, like her best friend wasn't there when they've been best friends for years and years. "I miss you too, Sarah. I really, really miss you," Jeremy says, and his voice is a mess but the sentiment is still there because everything has been aching so much and it hurts.

It really hurts.

Cora has been a really good friend to Sarah throughout all of this.

Which is a feat in and of itself, as Sarah doesn't make connections or friends often, but Teleios has been different. In more ways than one. She doesn't hate it as much as Jeremy does, but maybe she should. Her face crumples again at the way his voice sounds, and whatever was left of her resistance breaks as she closes the distance between them, throwing her arms around Jeremy to hug him very tightly to her. Her stinging eyes close against his neck as she brings him closer, her face twisted into a pained expression.

She's right here, she wants to say. But she hasn't been, has she? She just doesn't know what that means. If she hasn't been here, then where? If they're not best friends, then what? It's why whatever is familiar about Teleios is something she isn't in any hurry to figure out. It's apparently a place where they're not even friends, where they don't reach for each other. And that'll always be unthinkable.

"I'm still here," she says quietly. Maybe she's been distant, maybe she goes away sometimes, but she will always come back.

And that makes sense, too.

♫

Jeremy's expression crumples completely when she throws her arms around him, and he wraps his arms around her too tightly. His eyes burning as he swallows a sob, pressing his face against her hair as he gathers her up in his arms and lifts her up against his chest tightly to him. His fingertips dig into her back but not painfully so, he is so careful with that now because he has to be, because he refuses to hurt anyone he loves anymore-- anymore than he already has. He will not hurt her.

"I'm here now too. I know I wasn't before like I should have been," he says achingly against her hair, knowing how much his anger has gotten in the way of him, of them, knowing how much distance there has been. It is not the hunter, and it is not the angry, lost kid, and it is not the person who is so in love with her he doesn't know how he could ever, ever let her go (even if all those things are him too)-- No, it's her best friend.

It's her best friend who doesn't want her to not have that space so she can find her way, so she can fight for herself, so she can know and understand what she needs. There's an aching smile against her hair as he holds her tightly to him.

"Why do you think I knew I had to move out?" He knows her, because he's her best friend and he loves her and he is in love with her, and he is always all of these things at once. And he will always want what is best for her. Always fight for that.

♪

Sarah releases a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding when he gathers her up in his arms, hugging her back. Something unlocks in her chest, and it's as though something pierced through the bubble that had been caught in between them, allowing all of the air back in. It feels right again, despite the tentative ground they find themselves standing on. Her arms wrap further around him, as she places a soft kiss to his neck.

Her laughter is choked and tearful in response to his question, but it's genuine.

"Maybe I'm just that predictable." It's meant to be a joke, but she isn't very good at jokes right now. It's the first time in a long time she isn't missing Jeremy. It's the first time she starts to feel that distance slowly dwindle away, so she holds on tighter.

"I know how it's felt lately," she whispers. She knows, because she knows him, too. "But you know you're not alone, right? You have to know that."

Jeremy's arms slide further around her as he gathers her up in his arms, and he hugs her very tightly, feeling the rightness of it despite the tentative ground they are standing on. It's right too. He closes his eyes tightly against the burning when she places that soft kiss to his neck. His eyes burn more, but his fingers slide over the back of her neck against her hair at the beautiful feeling of it, pressing a kiss into the strands of her hair.

His fingertips slide up her back, and there's the first smile that he's had in... god knows how long (since he blew up in Elena's room) at the sound of her laughter (as choked and tearful as it may be. it's still hers. it's still her laughter.)

"The last thing I'd call you is predictable, Ms. Monroe," Jeremy says with a slow and aching smile, pulling back just enough to look down at her, to meet her gaze, to commit her face to memory and this moment to memory.

He releases a harsh breath at the whisper as something burns through his chest, and his voice is quiet too as his fingertips dig into her back. "I just... feel like I burned all my bridges," Jeremy says quietly as his eyes burn, and he shakes his head. "But I know."

It's hard to feel alone when she is holding him like this.

Sarah only pulls back when Jeremy does, and she is able to catch a glimpse of that smile in time.

Her own smile grows warm, however aching, and her hand gingerly touches the side of his face once he's released that harsh breath. "That just means you can build new bridges," Sarah reminds him softly. It's important to her that he know it, that he be reminded of it. He is not alone. "Jeremy, you don't have to be a prisoner of your past. Neither of us do. We've been through way too much to ever be the people we were. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone, but if you feel you need to? Remember the man you are now."

Not the boy he once was.

He might've stumbled and reverted to those patterns for a little bit, but their growth came at such painful and beautiful costs that Sarah can't believe it was all for nothing. She has faith he'll find his way, that he'll get the tattoo under control, even if it's hard. When has it ever been easy?

Jeremy closes his eyes as her hand touches the side of his face leaning into the feeling of it as his eyes burn further before he looks at her. His chest feels like it's on fire, and he swallows thickly through that emotion releasing a heavy breath at what she says.

"I'll try," Jeremy says achingly quietly, glancing down between them after a moment. He knows she is right. He lifts his gaze to meet her own again at what she says, shaking his head after a moment. "I don't want to be a prisoner of it. I don't want you to be either after everything we've been through, and I'll try to remember that too. I just don't have a... great opinion of that person either." Of whoever he is now.

It's just a lot that-- It's just a lot, and he doesn't really see himself in a kind light anymore.

It's not easy. Nothing about life is ever easy, and they both know that so intensely and painfully well. His arms are still wrapped around her, and his expression falters before he glances back. "I should... get my stuff together."

Not that he really has a lot but he should get... those things.

Her thumb slides gently, and slowly, down his cheek as he leans into her palm.

The tightness in her throat gathers further, and it's with reluctance she lets her hand fall back down. She smiles, albeit it is devoid of amusement. "That sounds familiar," she says lightly. Only two years ago, they didn't have a great opinion of the people they were, either. They learned, in very difficult ways, to find a road of acceptance.

Maybe that's what life is. Maybe life is just that you get to do it all over again.

She falters when he does, pressing her lips together. She fights back the burning that threatens to return, nodding as she finally takes a step back, untangling herself from him. It's a step she needs to take, but it is the hardest one she has ever taken.

"I'll... get out of your way."

She mostly means she'll give him space, like he is giving her space. She bows her head, giving his hand one last squeeze, and with a heaviness she can scarcely remember feeling, she lets her hand drop, and she turns to leave.

Jeremy doesn't like who he was and he doesn't like who he is either.

He doesn't have a very strong, good opinion about any version of himself at the moment, catching her gaze with an ache in his own. It does sound familiar. Two years ago, they learned, and he is tired of learning, tired of doing it all over again each and every time.

There's already a painful, intense ache at her absence as her hand falls down and she untangles herself from him. His eyes burn when she takes that step away. They burn until he can't see through his own blurred vision, and he turns slightly as he shakes his head.

"You could never be in my way."

Jeremy mostly means he could never need space from her (that there is always a place in his life for her whatever that means, whatever that--). His hand squeezes hers back tightly (too tightly almost, clutching hold), and he breathes in sharp again as he watches their hands drop, watches her go, feels everything crash in again.

And that's that. That's life.

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teleios rp for Sarah; backdated

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